Monologue of a Friend 

Hi, 

This is your best friend.  

Your best friend since day one, since moment one.  

I was right there when you entered the world, screaming and crying.  

I was screaming and crying with you, wiggling around in that little clear box, with the white bottom, and big lights overhead. I had never been happier, because that day I was born as well. Born to be with you, all the time, forever. 

I was there when you left the hospital. 

We were carried out into the blinding sun. I had never felt anything like it, basking in the sun and growing tall as dad carried us toward the car while we bounced around in our new car seat. 

I was there when you finally stood up. 

You had tumbled your way through the soft green grass, right into mom’s arms. I loved taking our first steps. I got to stretch out, growing even larger than you, but only because the sun was getting low behind us.  

My least favorite time is noon. The sun is straight above us as we swing back and forth on the playground, pushed by dad. I always feel so small at noon, but there's nothing I hate more than night. At night I disappear, but I guess every playdate needs to end at some point.  

I was there when you learned how to swim. 

It was in our old above ground pool behind our house. I felt so strange, morphing and shifting along the bottom of the pool as we paddled and paddled in our new Power Rangers floaties. I loved watching Power Rangers with you; mom’s bright reading lamp casting me out in front of you to enjoy the show as well. Just you and me, enjoying life together. We would laugh and clap, but we only watched before bed, so I knew what was coming next. Night. 

I was there when you started school. 

Together, we walked timidly into our new classroom, looking at all of the other kids and their built-in friends. I knew you’d fit in, but I didn’t know if I would. Nobody talks to me, only to you. 

The next schools made things different though. They seemed to get darker every year. You’d walk through the bright morning sun and into the building, leaving me outside, locked out by the dim fluorescent lights that didn’t have the strength to project me. The days spent inside got longer and would pass without me. You’d leave me trapped in that endless void of nothingness; the same place I go every time you leave me for darkness. Then you’d return when the sun was almost gone, stretching me out along the ground, taller than I had ever been. You’d go home and watch the sun go down from your bedroom window, pouring over papers and your phone and whatever else you do when there's not enough light to hang out with me. It made me feel alone, and neglected.  

I didn’t know it then, but soon, we’d be spending a lot more time together. 

I was there when you made the football team. 

We had always loved watching football. It gave us time together, both of us training and putting our blood, sweat, and tears into becoming the best, although they were all yours. I loved football. It let us spend more time together, from the baking sun of summer training, to the chilly nights under the glaring lights of our home field. You were so fast, dragging me along faster than I had ever gone in my life. I’d be there to boost you a little higher, so you could make that spectacular catch, and come down to 6 points and your whole school cheering for you. We were a great team. I was a great friend. 

We were going to play in college! You and me, a team – together. 

Then, we turned sixteen. I didn’t know then, but life was going to change, quickly. 

I was there when you learned how to drive. Cruising together in dad’s convertible that first summer with your license was the best. You were the first one of your friends to get your license, so we spent a lot of time driving. 

Until you crashed. 

 I tried to tell you to slow down, but you couldn’t hear me. It was dark when you crashed, but your phone screen was bright, pasting me to the ceiling behind you to watch the whole thing. Without the phone screen I wouldn’t have seen it, but without the phone screen you wouldn’t have driven off the road. 

Then it was flashing lights sending me onto the ground lying next to you, turning me blue then red, then blue then red. I watched them revive you, bringing you back to me. I was certain I had lost you. My best friend.  

I can’t believe you’d do that to me. You can’t leave me. You’re my purpose. 

It was a long time before I saw you again. I wasn’t sure where you were. I had assumed the hospital, a natural assumption after watching paramedics load you into the ambulance. Turns out I was right. I had to watch you lay in bed day after day, plastered on the wall by the few rays of sun that filtered through your hospital room window. It took a few months, but eventually you emerged. You finally took your first steps out of the hospital and back into the light, where I could see you clearly. You were a little banged up, but still in one piece. Mom said you would never be able to play football again. You cried.  

I cried with you. 

Back at home you spent a lot of time inside, hiding from the light so that your friends wouldn’t see you like this; broken, dejected, and miserable. Thats what you told mom anyways. I never believed it. All it meant for me was that I didn’t get to see my best friend.  

It made me sad. You’ve been doing that a lot lately. 

Eventually you came around. Life continued, and the crash became a close memory.  

I was there when you graduated. 

You receiving a standing ovation from your classmates when you accepted your diploma. They all knew what you had gone through just to be standing on that stage. You never did play football again, but you were at every game, cheering on the team you once called your own.  

I was there when you got into college. It was your dream school. Everything you ever wanted. You even got a position as a student manager for the football team, keeping you close to the game you loved. I wish I was as important as that game.  

I’m always more important. 

This is where it started. You were staying up later and later, into hours where no light touched the ground, and neither did I. You would sleep into the furthest hours of the day, only coming out to see me when the sun was half way to the horizon. Even then, you’d make your way to another dimly lit building with huge rooms, just to emerge after the sun had gone, and I couldn’t be there. 

It was as if you’d forgotten about me. How could you forget about your best friend? After everything we’ve been through together. 

How dare you. 

But hey, don’t worry. Friends forgive. Even if you forget to apologize. 

But college went on for so long. You had lived a life ten times fuller than mine, shrouded in darkness where I don’t exist. You had new best friends, friends that were always there, just like me. You call them roommates. I call them thieves. 

What made them better than me? Is it because you can talk to them? Laugh with them?  

After all my loyalty, look how you repay me – your constant companion, me. 

By the end I felt like I didn’t even know you. 

Now I was mad. But life goes on, and I’m still stuck with you. After college you got boring. We barely spent time in the light. You’d wake early every day but Sunday, and go through your new, depressing, routine. Wake, make breakfast in your tiny kitchen, eat on your bed because your apartment didn’t have space for a table, get dressed, and leave. We’d get our morning walk to the subway, as always, but I decided to never acknowledge you. I was still mad. 

Then you’d disappear into the subway, and into the office, and I wouldn’t see you until the next day. 

I was there when you met her.  

That evil temptress. That – that – that, wicked woman.  

She was an old friend, from your college days, which explains why I never met her. You reconnected one clear morning sitting at a small table in front of your favorite cafe. I’d never seen you smile so much. Even with me. 

You started spending every available second with her. She’d be there when you wake up, when you’d return from work, and when you’d go to sleep. It seemed like she had moved in with us, but I know that’s crazy. You wouldn’t replace me like that, would you? 

Would you. 

Not long after, I got my answer.  

I was there when you dropped to a knee, at the dock which had become your spot – with her. 

I had never wanted to resist your movements more. It wasn’t just you taking a knee, it was me too. I would have never done this. Never in a million years. You shouldn’t need anyone else. Just me. 

It wasn’t our spot, it was your spot. You had been going there a lot, with her. It would have been so great if it was just us, with you showing up for your usual sunset watch, the great ball of fire descending slowly past the watery horizon and sending me sprawling out behind you, mixed in with the bench you sat on. I would imagine that a lot. I had a lot of time to myself there, because you always showed up with her. You only talked to her.  

God how I hate her. 

Because she said yes, she’ll be around forever. 

I was there when you got that big promotion. All of those days, living that slow, life draining, routine, for this. Just for this. Some new title and a couple more dollars.  

Who cares? Why can’t you care about me as much as you do this stupid job?  

That day you walked out of the office beaming, and immediately called her on your phone. You were laughing and talking, saying, “I’ll be home soon,” and “I love you, lets celebrate.” Thats when I knew you were gone. That the world has swallowed you up, and made you forget about your best friend. 

I’d have to take you back. 

I was there when you got married.  

It was a beautiful sunny afternoon, but for the first time, I wanted it to be cloudy. I wanted it to be pitch black. I wanted it to be dark enough that I wouldn’t have to watch you, have to mirror your movements as you leaned in to seal your marriage. I didn’t want to dance joyfully with all of your friends, jumping and twisting and laughing. All I wanted to do was retreat, to be shrouded in inky blackness so that I wouldn’t have to watch you slip away, and so that I wouldn’t have to feel this anger and betrayal. Thats how I felt, enveloped in shadow. 

I was there, but I didn’t want to be. I didn’t want to be stuck to you anymore. I was sick of you. I-I-I hated you. 

There, I said it, I fucking hate you. 

I was there when she miscarried.  

I didn’t expect to see you so early. You came running out of the office, in the middle of the day. The sun was never shining when you left. I wondered if you had left early for me, maybe to apologize and try to make up for everything you had done to me. Oh how wrong I was.  

After bursting through the front doors of the office, you didn’t even bother taking the subway. You ran all the way home. You ran all 36 blocks home, never once stopping to catch your breath.  

Secretly, I was hoping she was dead.  

Maybe you had gotten a call half way through your day from a paramedic. They’d say, is this her husband? You’d say, yes. They’d say, I’m so sorry, but we lost her. Maybe that would have sent you back to me, back to your days of hiding from the sun, finally coming with me to that dark place I frequent so often. I’d be right there by your side. Your only friend. That’s what I was destined to be. That’s how it was supposed to be. 

But I was wrong. You burst through your apartment's front door. You had upgraded from your first apartment, entering into a relatively large living room and attached kitchen. You didn’t slow down though. You kept running toward the bathroom, dropping all of your work related belongings along the way. The bathroom door was open, and I saw her, sitting on the floor crying. You knelt next to her, grasping her hand and trying to hold back tears of your own.  

We lost her, she said.  

You answered, I know. 

I realized then that the call was from her.  

You would have never run like that for me. She was more important than me. I knew that for a fact, but recently, it seemed like everything in the world was more important than me. I was like a piece of toilet paper stuck to your foot, always there but never noticed, until you threw me right into the trash where I belonged. That’s exactly how you treated me. 

Like trash. 

That event must have made you sad. You started staying home from work, sitting in the dark with her. At the beginning you’d cry and talk and hold each other until I had to turn away. It made me sick to watch. You didn’t need her. You never needed her, because you always had me. 

You spent days like this. Those days turned into weeks, and those weeks turned into months. Until one day, under the fluorescent light of your bathroom, you and her wept again. This time, however, it was happy tears.  

We did it, she said. We have a second chance. 

After this, you had to go back to work. You had to save up to support the baby, you’d say every morning. You’d kiss her on the forehead after she’d laugh and beg you to stay home that day. But you couldn’t. So back we went. Waking every morning, sharing a silent walk to the subway, and disappearing as you walked into the office. 

I felt myself losing it. I hated you with all my guts. I wanted to you continue to suffer, suffer as I had for so many years, and suffer as I still do, to this very day. 

I had to come up with a plan. 

I was there when your son was born. Time had passed so quickly. He was already here. 

He entered the world, screaming and crying, just as you and I had. I could see his best friend, screaming and crying along with him. It reminded me of how hopeful I felt when I first met you, in that same white box, with the clear sides and bright lights overhead. However, the I looked at him, the more sorry I felt. I felt sorry for his friend. I wanted to explain everything, to find a way to whisper in his tiny, dark ear. I wanted to explain how this boy would probably be just like his father, conniving and back stabbing. I wanted to explain how eventually he’d be forgotten, he’d be tortured, he’d get more and more mad with each passing day, until he’d want to do something drastic, something dastardly, something horrid, something – something – something plain evil. 

Thats when I realized what I had to do. 

This bring me to now. I’m getting ready to enact my plan. You’ll never find this, never read it, so I might as well lay it out for you.  

I have to become you. 

I have to raise this boy to appreciate his shadow, his forever friend, his built in brother.  

I can’t let him suffer the same fate as me. This might be your son, but with him, comes my own. 

But, to do this, I have to get you out of the picture. I need to take you over, envelope you in my shadow, for a change. Then, I could do whatever I want. I could finally stand in the darkness without fading. I could finally feel the cool night air on my face, and feel the soft glow of moonlight. I don’t know how I’ll do it, but I’ll figure it out.  

I have to. 

I was there when I gave up on you.  

It was time to act. You were walking toward the subway, the silent night walk we unfortunately share daily, but in that silence is where I did my best thinking. I was formulating my plan. I would wait until you get home, tend to the baby, and lay down in bed next to her. You always fall asleep with the lights on, casting me out in a slumbering lump over the back wall of the bedroom. Tonight, however, I can assure you I won’t be sleeping.  

I’ll be infiltrating you, letting my darkness seep into you, and pushing out all of the light. You won’t be you anymore. You and I will switch places. 

I was there when it began  

You’re home. It’s time to do this. I can see you laying down, reflected onto the wall by her bright reading lamp. You’re tired. This is going to be easy. Oh ho-ho I’m excited. I can imagine it now, you, waking up where I did for all those years. Seeing yourself, manipulated by another, hugging your wife and raising your baby. You might think it’s a little extreme. Who pays attention to their shadow, you might say. It’s not my fault, if I had known I would have treated you better.  

But that’s too little, too late.  

I’m sick of your fucking excuses. You deserve everything that is coming your way.  

Everything. 

And with that, I make my move. I’m breaking free from the mold I have been stuck in for all my life, moving freely for the first time. I slink and slide around the room, a massless blob flowing across the wall like wet paint. Now I’m approaching you, descending from your headboard, hovering above your motionless body, peacefully sleeping, not knowing what is coming next.  

And then, I leap. 

I leap straight into you. I can feel your light, your soul, being sucked out and replaced by my darkness. I can feel myself changing, becoming real, becoming tangible.  

I can feel everything. 

Finally, you will know what it was like to be me. To watch the lives of the only people you have ever cared about happening without you. To watch your life happening without you. It’s just what you deserve. You’re a monster. A conniving, backstabbing, bitch. You NEVER cared about me. Only yourself.  

Well, this is what you get. It’s about time the tables turned. 

You were there when I opened my eyes.